Ambiguity

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it.
Without knowing what's going to happen next, delicious ambiguity.
-Gilda Radner


I hate not knowing. I really hate not knowing what is going to happen.  At the same time I really love the fact that anything can happen now.
I also really hate flirting. It is too much of a game. Too much ? Not enough? Is it obvious? Can he tell? Am I too hot and cold?
Way too many variables but I am trying to look at it as being exciting.

As far as my goals for this month go. I have to restart the no contact goal. That one I have failed miserably. I may not have initiated the conversation but I did engage in it.The worse part of engaging in contact is that it reminds me that he was a friend. Yes, he was not a good boyfriend and yes, he would be an awful husband, but he was a friend. I hate that he was able to make me miss him when I felt like I was doing so well. I had forgotten what feelings were still there. It is a good sign that I am not ready to move on yet. Its a reminder that the growth isn't done. It is also a sign that I am so much stronger than last time. I didn't give in. I held my boundaries. We did not relapse and at least I can hold to my conviction that the break up is the right decision.

Here's to a painful reminder that the growth is not done but what growth has happened was not false but true and solidified growth.

-J