Monday, July 30, 2012


Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it.
Without knowing what's going to happen next, delicious ambiguity.
-Gilda Radner

I hate not knowing. I really hate not knowing what is going to happen.  At the same time I really love the fact that anything can happen now.
I also really hate flirting. It is too much of a game. Too much ? Not enough? Is it obvious? Can he tell? Am I too hot and cold?
Way too many variables but I am trying to look at it as being exciting.

As far as my goals for this month go. I have to restart the no contact goal. That one I have failed miserably. I may not have initiated the conversation but I did engage in it.The worse part of engaging in contact is that it reminds me that he was a friend. Yes, he was not a good boyfriend and yes, he would be an awful husband, but he was a friend. I hate that he was able to make me miss him when I felt like I was doing so well. I had forgotten what feelings were still there. It is a good sign that I am not ready to move on yet. Its a reminder that the growth isn't done. It is also a sign that I am so much stronger than last time. I didn't give in. I held my boundaries. We did not relapse and at least I can hold to my conviction that the break up is the right decision.

Here's to a painful reminder that the growth is not done but what growth has happened was not false but true and solidified growth.


Monday, July 23, 2012


Officially 25 lbs lost!!
Let us celebrate being back to college weight.
Let us rejoice in losing 40 more lbs so that I am smoking hot.
The best revenge is to be smoking hot, healthy and moving on.
How do you know when its ok to move on?
It's been two months. I know that isn't a long time but it feels like it.
I also feel like it was over before it was officially over.
I know they say it should take a month per year you were together to move on but that's just a guess.
Forget the rumor of estimated months. How do I really know? There aren't going to be song birds like in the movies. There wont be some aw ha moment.What will really show me that its ok to try something new?
Do I pass up a possible experience because my 5 month sentence is less than half way done or do I find a way to make it different?
I really want to be friends with my next relationship. There was no friendship with the last one and if someone is to become your best friend they have to start as a friend.

So here is to making friends who fall in love with the real me.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Not the type of girl to remain

You're not the type Type of girl to remain 
 With the guy, with the guy too shy 
 Too afraid to say, he'll give his heart to you forever
  I'm not the boy that will fall to his knees 
With his hands clenched tight Begging, begging you please  
To stay with him for worse and for better
-Fine by Me by Andy Grammer

I never thought it would be the little things that I miss.
I miss having someone to help me move the dresser.
I miss someone laughing with me at something on tv.
I like having a reason to cook dinner.
I like having noise in the house and not having to have the tv on to have it.
I like having someone to talk about my day with.
I miss having a built in someone to hang out with.
I don't miss having a boyfriend. I miss having a roommate.

I am not the type of girl to remain. I was the type of girl to scared to make the first move but I am not too scared to run when given an out.
I want to type of guy not afraid to give his heart away.
I want someone excited to marry me.
I want a lot of things.


Sunday, July 15, 2012


I haven't been able to write in a while due to being sans computer but that problem is all solved now.
Whats new?
I am addicted to Vampire Diaries. Stefan is gorgeous. I think he and I will make gorgeous melodramatic babies. The music is also amazing.
I have had to restart the no contact timeline over...twice. Ugh, breaking connections is hard.
I am realizing that I am slightly boy crazy. I like male attention. Let's blame it on daddy issues and the boost in confidence contemplating someone being attracted to you brings. I will consciously try to work on this. I doubt people want to hear me talk about boys like a 16 year old.
 I have no gay dar and worse I have no date dar. What is just hanging out and what means more?
How do you tell?
Can guys and girls be just friends? I think so. I do think that more than likely at one point they will each think it might be more than friendship. Most likely that "what if" time will not occur at the same time. If it does then that's when you have proceed to dating. If it doesn't then you end up with a few awkward moments before the feeling of it being more becomes absurd to you. Then its over and you feel foolish.
How do you know when the friendship is just starting?
Ughh again connections are hard ,beginning and ending them.


Friday, July 6, 2012

Lists: the ultimate reminder and guide

I could not work or function on a basic level without lists and caffeine.
I am a list person.
Lists rock.
They provide direction.
It's a great reminder of where you wanted to go before you got lazy.
It is hard to argue with something written in black and white.
I have made countless lists this month: moving, interview, grocery, 30 b4 30, what I want in a relationship, what I need to change, what went wrong and why I should never go back. Why not make another?
My list today is simple. It's how to move on in a healthy way.

1. No contact, text, email or in person with the EX for a solid month. ( I'm sure this will turn into a longer period but the first key to reaching your goals is breaking them into small tasks.)
2. No dating, No boys. No physical-ness ( so not a word but who cares?) with said boys for at least 3 months. ( They say it takes a month per year you were with the person to be over the break up so I am sure this one will turn into a longer period as well but again lets start small!)
3. Enjoy being single. Enjoy being free. Enjoy not having to worry about anyone else but the Tallie monster.
4. Discover who I am so that I can find someone who loves that person instead of the other way around.

Now that I made these goals public I am now held accountable with them. Not only can I not argue with the letters but I can not argue with you, my dear blog.

Here's to accountability aka little voices saying" hey remember when you said you wanted to accomplish this? You do? Then you should probably not do that"...


Monday, July 2, 2012

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Nothing will ever be different if I don't change anything. Sure I can be with a different person but if I don't change my relationship style or look into changing the problems that I brought to the relationship I can not expect a different outcome.

This is the one good thing about the Ex. He was the perfect teacher for a beginner relationship.He taught me a lot about the good times in a relationship and the bad. He taught me what is worth fighting for and what isn't. Most importantly he taught me what I am and what I am not willing to sacrifice in my relationship.

I say all this about change and learning to say that I need a new approach. I have a tough exterior but a fragile interior. I can not and will not go through this type of break up again. In order to minimize the chances of repeating my history I need to SLOW DOWN. I need to recognize that while I may want to be in a relationship and cared for I need to protect my heart first. In order to protect myself now I need to learn to be an amazing single person. I need to build a new life centered around getting to know me. This is going to be much harder than I know due to two very strong competing desires : to be cared for and to have a healthy relationship. While these desires are not exclusive right now in my life I have to realize that the second is not possible until I do some more changing.

Speaking of Channing.....
Magic Mike was amazing. I will be seeing it again but mostly due to cougars in the movie theater yelling so loud I missed a good bit of what is probably important to the storyline dialogue. It's really is just for the storyline that I must go back and see it not at all those hot chiseled cheekbones and chin ;)